We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
