I CAN MOONWALK!
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
