I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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