I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He passed out mid-signature
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
