god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
