just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
