You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
