The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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