Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
