I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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