i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
