Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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