i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
