Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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