i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
