the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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