It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
