I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
