soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
