but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize