she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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