R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
