My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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