paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize