I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
