i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
