Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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