I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
