totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
