just tell him i said nine months
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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