I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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