bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
