I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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