phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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