I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
