I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Can you bring me the toilet please
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
