Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize