Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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