i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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