i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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