we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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