I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
