Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
