Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
