Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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