I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
there's paper in my vomit.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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