my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
