literally had 100 drinks last night.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
