Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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