I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize