i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
