I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I need water and some morals
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
