life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
