Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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