i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
