My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
